You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
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