dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
