just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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