your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Randomize
