I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
