My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Randomize
