508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize