You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
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