I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Randomize
