Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize