You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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