R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
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