how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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