My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
