Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
