you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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