oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
My penis needs a shock collar
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
