haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Randomize
