i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
He is an equal opportunity slut.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
it's like heaven, but drunker
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
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