The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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