Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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