She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
