Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
