Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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