Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I am spending my child support on dildos
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
