It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
You're a waste of cheezeits
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
