we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Randomize