life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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