so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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