i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
