I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
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