Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize