I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
