it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
