stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
