Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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