I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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