i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
