It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
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