I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Randomize
