There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
