thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
