1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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