I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
