I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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