I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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