It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
