JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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