It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
