If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize