onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Randomize
