By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize