I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
My liver is preforming stress tests.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
