This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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