he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
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