Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I came so hard my ears popped.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
