I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
