a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
