she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
