did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
he thought i was a dude.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
