I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
