i've decided that sluttiness is like a disease, it can lay dormant in you for years and then one day you go to college and with all the booze and drugs and boys and time on your hands symptoms begin to show then one day BAM you're a huge slut. it's like how izzie had skin cancer and it grew into brain cancer.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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