The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
