Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
