I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
