I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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