the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
