I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Someone came in the potted fern
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
