my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I would ride that face into the sunset
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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