3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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