um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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