when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
