She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
